I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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