The best revenge is premature balding
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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