hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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