Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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