i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Text me some of your sweat
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
