We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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