I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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