Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
