you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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