I wish I could teleport
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
