Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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