My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
