I need to stop coming to work sober
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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