Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
