Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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