You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
