i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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