I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
