im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
