I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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