omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
