Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
