I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
