I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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