you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
