Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
