96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
why does every cop we meet know your name?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
