The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
