Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
