I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
