I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
