Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
