I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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