Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize