The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
