I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
