Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
