Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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