I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
