She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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