I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
