ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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