i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
