He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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