I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
