Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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