my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
