So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
