I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
