Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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