So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
