do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
