Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I lost the right to judge tonight
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
