Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
