Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You are the jesus of drinking
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
