you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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