I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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