Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
