Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
