I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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