i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize